Ass-Kissing, Literally
by Kat Ducat
Summary: The Doctor comes by to pick River up one night only to find her very angry. Inspired by the prompts 'imagine your otp with butts for faces...snogging'. AU crack. The author regrets nothing.


_A/N: This was written for my sister because I was too lazy to get myself a donut and promised her a drabble for her otp if she would get me one. Ala, I hope you don't mind the slight OOCness in this._

_I also used a prompt from imagineyourotp on tumblr for this, "__Imagine your OTP with butts for faces and then imagine them making out with each other, their facial asscheeks gently caressing one another," because how can you see a prompt like that AND NOT WANT TO WRITE FOR IT. Um._

_(If you're having trouble picturing River and Eleven with butts for faces, just imagine that they've got chickens on their heads, like in Mr Bean or Friends.)_

_WARNING: DISTURBING IMAGERY. (Really. My sister had to go and recover in the brace position after she read this.)_

)O(

**Ass-Kissing, Literally**

River paces around her cell, making small farting noises of impatience every time she looks at her watch. _Damn it, Doctor, _she thinks. _I know that the first rule of the TARDIS is 'the Doctor lies,' but why lie about this? Why in the world would you lie about our dates?_

When she hears the familiar whooshing noise of the TARDIS, River stops and clenches her cheeks together in and expression of you-have-some-explaining-to-do-and-if-you-don't-do-it-right-this-minute-then-I-might-just-explode. It wasn't an easy expression to communicate while looking like a butt, but River managed it.

The TARDIS door opened and the Doctor hopped out, his anus wide open in a grin. He sauntered up to River's cell and leaned on the bars nonchalantly. However, when he saw her butt, he stiffened straightened up, and adjusted his bow-tie.

"Everything all right with you, River?" he farted, trying to sound casual.

River walked towards him until her butt was almost pressed to his through the bars. "I would be," she farted. "If only you had told me the _correct_ time you would pick me up."

The Doctor's cheeks rose a little in what might have been a frown. "But I haven't told you when I'd pick you up. This was supposed to be a surprise, a treat, a fun surprising treat!" He waved his hands about, attempting to communicate exactly what amount of fun the surprising treat was supposed to have had.

"Oh, you haven't told me _yet_, but you're going to."

"Well…all right, I guess I will. But you know that the reason that you're angry is because I lied to you because you told me I would lie to you so now I _have to_ lie to you, or the entire universe might explode, again!"

River relaxed her butt. "So you're saying that _I'm _the one to blame for all this?!"

"Well…yes."

"How _typical_ of me."

"Er…sorry. You know, I could still take you to the Mountains of Ralicoth, if you're up for it. I hear they've got some very nice sunsets there."

"Sweetie, I'm always up for it."

"Right then. You can, er, do that thing you do to get out and we'll be on our way!"

River did that thing she did and walked off towards the TARDIS. When she got to the threshold, she stopped and turned to butt the Doctor. He walked to her a little more hesitantly, and with good reason. When he got close enough, River grabbed him and put her butt to his, snogging him passionately.

"Next time you see me, slap me," she farted when she was sure he wasn't too distracted with her soft ass caressing his more angular one.

"Why?" he farted back.

"Because she's going to be the one to cause this mess."

"But if she knows that, then she _will_ cause this mess."

"Exactly." River pulled away and cocked her butt in a friendly kind of way.

"But…you were upset."

"Yes, but…" River pulled the Doctor in to nuzzle him some more. "That was the best kiss I've ever had with you, and if that was an angry snog, think about how the shag's going to be."

"I'd rather not." The Doctor loosened his collar a little, but returned her kiss nonetheless. "I think there was some planet we were supposed to go to…"

"Oh Doctor, why would I want to see some planet I'll probably see _anyway_ when I can have my own Big Bang in a place that's a little more…personal."

"That sounds dangerous."

"Oh shut up." River pulled him inside the TARDIS and closed the door. "Or you'll only make me angrier."

)O(

_Fin_

_(I had fun writing this, but you don't know how hard it was describing the facial expressions of butts. Seriously.)_


End file.
